My life as a malcontent

So my mantra isn’t really working.  No matter how much I tell myself that I am happy, I simply am not.  I have a job I hate and I can’t seem to bring myself to keep doing it.  I keep the “sucking it up” philosophy close at hand, but I am afraid that I have just simply burned myself out.  I saw this quote and am trying this new mantra on for size:

“Wealth consists not in having greast possessions, but in having few wants.” Esther de Wahl, Seeking God: The Way of St. Benedict

I don’t feel like I want for anything really, but when I have a few minutes to myself to really think, the list of things I would change seems too long to be healthy.  I fantasize about selling the house and moving to a small town where we can have a dog and the kids can ride their bikes for days without having to worry what they are up to, like we did as kids.  I get that it would be “running away” so to speak, but it sure sounds better than suffering through my 60+ hour a week job where the only thing I can see that comes from it is that I make peoples lives better through their online shopping addictions.

Not really saving the world, much less providing me any sort of personal satisfaction.

I was looking at a list of other people’s resolutions and found a couple I liked:

  • Try things I have shied away from in the past.
  • Smile more.  Pray more. Complain less.
  • Send handwritten letters (I actually bought a set of note cards about 8 months ago and set them next to my reading chair.  I never sent a single note, mostly because I didn’t get to sit in my chair to read much, thanks to all the hours I spent working.)
  • Use the computer less and spend more time with my kids reading and playing games. Game playing was a family sport when I was growing up. My kids have no idea how to play anything but Uno.
  • Put my husband first.  If I give him the best of me, maybe I will get the best of him.
  • Exercise – I am overweight for the first time in my life and I am NOT happy about it.
  • Get a new job!  I can’t stand to spend another day watching my time slip away for a fruitless endeavour like the one I am in now.

I think that should be enough to focus on this year.  Let’s cross our fingers that by the end of 2010, I am truly content.

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