So my mantra isn’t really working. No matter how much I tell myself that I am happy, I simply am not. I have a job I hate and I can’t seem to bring myself to keep doing it. I keep the “sucking it up” philosophy close at hand, but I am afraid that I have just simply burned myself out. I saw this quote and am trying this new mantra on for size:
“Wealth consists not in having greast possessions, but in having few wants.” Esther de Wahl, Seeking God: The Way of St. Benedict
I don’t feel like I want for anything really, but when I have a few minutes to myself to really think, the list of things I would change seems too long to be healthy. I fantasize about selling the house and moving to a small town where we can have a dog and the kids can ride their bikes for days without having to worry what they are up to, like we did as kids. I get that it would be “running away” so to speak, but it sure sounds better than suffering through my 60+ hour a week job where the only thing I can see that comes from it is that I make peoples lives better through their online shopping addictions.
Not really saving the world, much less providing me any sort of personal satisfaction.
I was looking at a list of other people’s resolutions and found a couple I liked:
- Try things I have shied away from in the past.
- Smile more. Pray more. Complain less.
- Send handwritten letters (I actually bought a set of note cards about 8 months ago and set them next to my reading chair. I never sent a single note, mostly because I didn’t get to sit in my chair to read much, thanks to all the hours I spent working.)
- Use the computer less and spend more time with my kids reading and playing games. Game playing was a family sport when I was growing up. My kids have no idea how to play anything but Uno.
- Put my husband first. If I give him the best of me, maybe I will get the best of him.
- Exercise – I am overweight for the first time in my life and I am NOT happy about it.
- Get a new job! I can’t stand to spend another day watching my time slip away for a fruitless endeavour like the one I am in now.
I think that should be enough to focus on this year. Let’s cross our fingers that by the end of 2010, I am truly content.